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Exciting and busy month. I've somehow picked up a whole bunch of… - XIANANIGANS [entries|archive|friends|userinfo]
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[Tuesday, April 16th, 2013, 09:12 pm]
Xian
Exciting and busy month. I've somehow picked up a whole bunch of freelance work. I started doing some work on Mona's website (I met her at yoga teacher training, she owns a hair salon), and our mutual friend/classmate Sandi saw us working on it and enlisted me to work with her drum studio.

Sandi is much more professional and I feel like I'm learning so much working with her. I'm totally green at this freelance thing and I'm acting a little more professional than I feel, but I trust Sandi enough to be a bit vulnerable with her and trust that she won't take advantage of me. So she's paying me $20/hr (which I feel is generous for me) and I'm billing her for less time than I actually take (I cut out the time I take to learn new stuff, admin, etc), and we both feel like we're getting a good deal. Also she's working pretty closely with me and I feel like I'm learning things about professionalism, being organised, etc.

It's weird because it's new, and I feel like I'm playing at Being A Grown-Up, but this is cool! Grown-ups are just people who have learned more than you have, and I'll never be a Grown-Up... I'll probably be eternally marvelling at all the new things I'm learning and all the things there are to learn.

Sandi's husband Michael took a look at my writing and communication and was apparently so impressed that he wanted to hire me to work with him (he runs a small PR firm) and we'll be working on stuff for PainBC and Vera's Burger Shack. He's already tipped me off that PainBC might be looking for someone on a more permanent basis, and I'm sure he has tonnes of professional contacts that he can hook me up with if I continue to impress him.

I used to be super insecure about job stuff (I guess I still am) and Joe always said not to worry - that I was smart and learned quickly and good at a lot of things and people would notice and pick me up. I never believed him!

I'm STILL applying for jobs. Somehow my cover letter and resume have grown to sound better even though my experience hasn't really, not by much. I'm learning what kinds of things are important, I guess, and picking out the specifics. Like instead of saying "used multi-tasking and organisational skills to successfully run promotional campaign" I'll say "used PR/Communications skills and event organisation skills to succesfully run promotional campaign and attract over 3,500 visitors over 2 days, in only our 2nd year running." Or something like that. Apparently numbers look good. I'm learning to sell myself HARD. Or what feels like hard, anyway.

The traditional job hunt is quiet enough that I'm feeling more comfortable using increasingly casual language and just really PUSHING. MYSELF. ON. THEM. The first time I wrote a desperate sounding email was also the first time I got a personal response back, so I had some positive reinforcement! Now I write emails that basically say I'm fucking awesome, I want a job, you should write me back, come on, do it already. But less swearing.

The job culture thing is really different here than back home. I know at home we're supposed to write in business-ese and I'm actually really good at that - or was. I think I'm losing it. But in a good way. It really doesn't fly here, and I'm surprised by what DOES fly. Maybe my perspective is skewed because too many of my friends work in video games, but Nisan puts STALLION TRAINER on all his resumes and has no trouble getting jobs. Curtis has a bizarre resume that basically says "I'm awesome, hire me." And he has been gainfully employed in his professional field in various jobs for, well, years. And so on. Mine is pretty tame still.

Relationships-wise. I can't remember the last time I've been on a date, but that's probably because my weeks have been busy and I generally don't have a good conception of time. It was probably a week or two ago but it feels like forever. I'm surprised that I don't miss getting laid. I'm generally not that interested in dating anyway. I get excited over new people but it fades pretty quickly and the whole experience of going on a date and discovering all the ways that they are not Joe and feeling disappointed... is disheartening. I should just wait till Joe fades a little more, or until I can have him back.

We traded some emails a week or two ago, and after one or two back and forth I wrote something sunny and positive like I'm happy it ended well, still think well of you, lots of heartache but I don't regret any of it, learned lots, blah blah blah. He wrote back this really... dramatic email. He does have a tendency towards a dire turn of phrase, but still. That was the first time I felt like he put things a bit too dramatically. Probably because every time before that I was caught up in the drama too.

I'm doing him an injustice. It wasn't THAT dramatic, just a couple lines, and he finished by saying that maybe we could get together after his life has settled down a bit, like when he takes his sabbatical. And promised to be more positive after some time had passed. It just really threw up for me how stressed out and chaotic his life is compared to mine. Toxic combinations.

I still miss him like crazy, because for me it was mostly an amazing relationship interspersed with periods of self-doubt and missing him. I guess for him it was an amazing relationship coloured by constant stress over time, baby, Brooke, and a house collapsing around his ears, guilt from both directions, and an inability to make any time for himself. Oh, and interspersed with periods of self-doubt and missing me.

They've sold the house, Brooke officially bought an apartment yesterday, he moved out half a month ago, and his latest work project's official release date is June 25th. So that probably means the month of June will be crazy overtime all the time, which is slightly disappointing, but whatever. I can wait.

And that's what I'm doing right now, waiting for him. It's not that hard with a finite timeline, and I have no real interest in anyone else right now anyway. I'm not pining, but I'm not getting over him either. I'm busy with a whole bunch of other things and relationships are on hold right now and when I think of him I nurture good memories. I don't know if that's good or bad, I have no idea what kinds of feelings he's moving towards, and I'll just have to wait and see and trust what feels right for me.

I'm not sure about anything except that it still feels like unfinished business. My predominant emotion (after wistfulness) is curiosity. It feels like we're halfway on a journey and I want to find out what happens next. Maybe we'll end up together, maybe not, but we're not done yet. There's more growing to be done.

I fucking love my life right now. Except for the "making pitiful amounts of money" part, but it's growing, and I love what I'm doing, and the bank of mom and dad is continuing to subsidize me for the time being, as long as I can show that I'm progressing.
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