||[Thursday, May 9th, 2013, 10:00 pm]
The climbing bug has bit, my hands are totally shredded, I have calluses on top of calluses. But they're not seasoned enough yet and so they just keep flaking off. Joe offered to buy me a pumice stone yesterday. |
... Aaaand Joe and I have been hanging out recently. He emailed me a week or two ago, we fought over email all day (while I was out sailing with Tom, his dad, to boot), and then I called him around midnight and we chatted for about 5 hours. After that I didn't intend to see him for the next week or so, but on the weekend Things Happened and long story short he came and rescued me at 3AM Saturday night and took me back to his place.
After that he said we should hang out again, but I didn't have time until a week and a half later. Which was Tuesday. He suggested packing lunch out to the park, and brought a lovely picnic and we lay on the grass by False Creek and then went and got ice cream after.
Tuesday night we talked on the phone for three hours.
Wednesday I called him impromptu after I locked up the yoga studio, because I remembered him saying something about it being easy to meet on Wednesdays. I went over to his place and played with Greg, which was really, really nice. I've really missed hanging out with him and Greg. It's not the same with Peggy (his mom).
All of this sounds lovely, but I'm really feeling pretty conflicted. He's self-professedly not looking for a relationship right now and really loving being single, which is fair enough, but he's also going on dates with about a million people, and I'm having a hard time reconciling that. He says they're explicitly casual dates, but he just doesn't DO casual. He might feel casual but he doesn't know how to behave like a casual date.
I get so jealous when he mentions any of the women he's seeing. My reaction to the whole thing was to just feel put off dating for a while. If I can't have Joe it feels like everyone else is just irritatingly insufficient. It's hard for me to put myself in his shoes - I've been dating a LOT over the past couple years, and I'm sick of it. He hasn't been dating AT ALL and he's had to deal with a lot of relationship crap.
I guess I'm worried that he's going to fall in love with someone else and it will all be simple and easy and fun and sweet, the way I wish it had been with us. It feels unfair. We've stuck together through so much shit and I think we didn't work out because of external factors. When I ended things the reasoning was roughly "We love each other but your divorce and other stuff are things you need to deal with on your own." Can I actually be happy for him if he gets seriously involved with someone else? I think that's a little too much for me.
I feel fine about everything else but the dating other people part. I'm considering asking him for some more space. Seeing him has just made me remember how much I want to be with him, and this uneasy limbo is fucking painful. The good parts are great, and I've been doing well re-gaining equilibrium, but it still takes effort, and I don't know if it's what's making me tense and irritable generally.
Lately I've been enjoying being single too and thinking that maybe I don't want to bother with relationships for the next little while, indefinitely. I've generally felt pretty reluctant to let people in. I can be really guarded with my time. But when it comes to Joe... making him happy makes me happy. I can't explain it.
A little complication - he's coming to Penticton next weekend. It'll be fun, but if I tell him NOW that I don't want to be friends after all, that might make things awkward. Maybe I'll tell him after. Not make a big deal of it. Maybe I'll wait a little longer and see.
He has faith that you can fall in and out of love frequently and intentionally. I don't. If I force myself to get over him I feel like I'll be losing something precious.