||[Wednesday, June 19th, 2013, 01:11 pm]
Life is really hectic right now! I guess it always is. I'm not sure what to do with myself. I spent a lot of time with J this past week and I'm starting to develop that strange feeling of spiralling down the rabbit hole. I need to tear myself away gently and attend to my life. |
It's not quite as bad as it was last time. We've been having productive conversations and I've gotten a lot better at expressing my needs. I still don't know how to handle his. We had an exhausting week of talking through stuff, and at the end of it I felt exhausted but relieved, and ready to go do some other things - and then on Tuesday he brought up a bunch of his own negative feelings. Oops.
Anyway. I'm doing about 3 million things every day and sleeping at home only half the time. I'm trying to climb more. It doesn't feel like a lot, because it's a very small percentage of the things I'm doing, but I'm averaging outdoors 1x/week, and at the gym 2-3x/week. That's not bad. I'd like to climb outdoors more but finding partners is a bit of a pain.
I've been reading dharma books, but not making time to actually do any meditation. A common trap. I'm starting to feel more tapped into some spiritual communities and traditions, starting to flesh out my historical knowledge of the various lineages, and it helps, but I really do need to just MAKE that hour or two every day. I experienced some distinct progress of insight about a month ago, and I'm realising that if I want that, I'll have to make some lifestyle changes. There are no shortcuts really. The path is sort of backwards in the West. Traditionally, you follow the lifestyle precepts, train in concentration, and then train in wisdom/insight. Among my peers, it seems like it's more common to experience some insight through an intense retreat, drugs, or other extraordinary experience, start trying to meditate consistently (training in concentration), and eventually creating the lifestyle modifications necessary to create a supportive environment.
Taking lots of dance classes. 3/week right now! Hopefully we will see some improvement. I'm grudgingly hooked on this dance form, even though it is kicking my ass.
Tomorrow I'm catching up with Tina, and buckling down for some serious work-at-home time. In the evening I have dance class, a discussion group, and then volunteering at the Madskillz circus arts festival late at night.
11am Juggling workshop
12nn Hooping workshop
1pm Volunteer shift
3pm Lobster party in the 'burbs
9pm Fire show
11pm open jam session at Sideshow Studios
9am Vipassana group
11am brunch at the beach
8pm Madskillz gala show
3pm-10pm Dustin's moving-out penthouse party
430-630 Volunteer shift
8pm Full moon yoga at the park
In between I have to schedule 2 phone meetings. One is a preliminary interview for a job I would really like to get!! I'm waiting for the respective people to get back to me so I can figure out how to arrange my days tomorrow and Friday. Gah!